ACT 1: THY NAME IS SHAKES-PEAR

Narr: Shakespeare was an amazing poet and playwright. He wrote many beautiful works that went down in history as some of the best pieces of their time, some of the best ever written. Some speculate on his genius, some embrace it, some do not, but everyone has, at some point, heard the name William Shakespeare, the mustachioed maverick of playwriting.

(NARRATOR pauses for dramatic effect, then continues)

Narr: But tonight, I am not here to tell you the story of the marvelous ingenuity and obvious overflowing talent of the Bard. No, I am here to tell you the less well-known story of a lesser-known poet, one by the name of Shakes-PEAR. Yes, pear. Like the fruit. But let me assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that Shakes-pear is the most talented fruit you will ever see.

(set changes to TREE; enter SHAKES-PEAR and PARTRIDGE stage left)

Narr: Our story starts on the branch of a pear tree, with a young pear...and a dream. (says last words with dramatic effect)

Shake: (sitting on branch) Oh, if only I had arms, I could write marvelous things, and I would be famous! One day, I'll be the greatest playwright of all time!

Part: (loudly, from higher branch) AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEE!

Shake: Shut up, you damn bird!

Narr: Shakes-pear had to share his tree with an annoying partridge, who constantly distracted him from his aspirations.

Part: AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEE!

Shake: Shut UP!!!

Narr: And so it came to be that our hero decided to move away from his pear tree, the only home he'd ever known.

Shake: (sniffle) Goodbye, dear pear tree. I will write many poems about you. I shall miss the splendour of your emerald leaves, the arcing grace of your limbs, your gentle welcoming presence like a mother to her child, a great --

Part: AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEE!

Shake: BUT I WILL NOT MISS THAT! (hops down to branch below the one he's sitting on)

Part: AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PE--hey, man, where are you going?

Shake: What?

Part: Whe-where are you going man? Like, why the sudden get-up-and-go?

Shake: (dramatically) I'm moving out, away from these invisible walls, holding me back from the world... (voice turns flat and irritated) and YOU.

Part: Wait a second, man, you can't do that.

Shake: What? Why not?

Part: You're the last pear left in this tree. If you leave, it's not a pear tree anymore, it's, like, just a regular tree.

Shake: Uh, so?

Part: So, I can't be a partridge without a pear tree! Without my pear tree, I'm...I'm nothing! Christmas is coming up, man, some guy from Manhattan is going to give me to his girlfriend and she's gonna sing about it really loud! You know the song, you know, ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME--

Shake: YES, I KNOW THE SONG. SO DO ALL THE PENGUINS AND EVERY FISH IN THE GODDAMN SEA.

Part: Anyway, you can't leave me here, man, I need you!

Shake: (dramatic voice again) I'm sorry, but this is where we must part...ridge.

(drums in the background go BA-DUM-PSSSH)

Shake: Besides, you're so freaking loud, half the time I can't think, and the other half of the time you're shaking the darling buds of May so hard they're falling off and hitting me in the head! Look at this! I have a bruise! A bruise! (shows off bruise that is obviously not there) Have you ever heard of a successful fruit with a BRUISE?

Part: Actually, I've never heard of a successful fruit at all. Most of them get eaten before--

Shake: (cuts off) That's it, I'm leaving.

Part: WAIT NOOOOO. I CAN CHANGE, I CAN CHANGE FOR YOU, BECAUSE...BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, OKAY?! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, SHAKES-PEAR, CAN'T YOU SEE? DON'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE, I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! (starts singing loudly) BECAUSE TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT THAT I WILL FALL FOR YOU, OVER AGAAAAAAIN, DON'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND, 'CUZ I WON'T LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY, I SWEAR IT'S TRUE, 'CUZ A PEAR LIKE YOU'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIIIIIIIND...

Shake: (leaves)

Narr: And so our pear left the partridge singing its sad song to the heavens. Call him cold, call him heartless...but whatever you do, just don't call him underripe.

(End of ACT 1; curtains close)